Amy Adoyzie Enjoys Life and Junk

More from the days of yore! Last installment.

I like Kobe Bryant. I will support Los Angeles Lakers forever.
Xu Yuan Kan

I'm a sunshine boy. I'm fat. But I think the boy near me is fatter than me.
Yi Dapeng

My name is Liu Qiong. I lie music very much, especially light music.
When I was a child, I dreamt of becoming a doctor. But now, in the school, my study is not very good. So I can't go to a good university to improve myself. I am very sad.

My hair is very long. I'm taller than other girl in our class.
Chen Xia

I have long hair and I'm not tall.
Tanya

In my childhood, I falled down the river, but I saved by myself! So mystical!
Ou Yang Shi Hua

Since I was born, I haven't girl friend all the way.
My whole family are in Guangdong except me.
I think I am very handsome.
Sun Long

Unique things about Fish (Ciao Yu)
I always dream of being a bird, because I want to fly.
I like travel and eating. I hope I can arrive at every place in he world.
When I was five, I was very "strong" and always caught fish in the river.

I get a scarf from my best friend.
The color of my skin is white.
I want to buy a house near the sea when I have enough money.
I want to travel all over the world.
My mother hope me to be a lawyer in the future.
Jiang Yanhui

I remember the day when I lived with her. I fall in love with her when first met her he is look like a rose. It's so beautiful that I love her very much. I give her a letter, express my love. She give me a smile that I never forget and I write letters for love ever weeks. I total write 10 letters.
Shun Ning

I'm a boy. My nose often bleeds.
Wang Junyong

Say what you will about all those jabbering talking heads who populate cable news networks, but I've always been envious of their ability to sound like they know what they're talking about. It's not so much eloquence or that they're particularly articulate, it's more of a unfailing conviction that they know what they're saying is totally for real!
There are few things in this world that I would feel comfortable enough to speak about on national television: America's Next Top Model, how much I love Greg Cartwright and peanut & jelly sandwiches.
I might be limiting myself though, because I apparently have a very authoritative voice when it comes to the topic of punk rock in China. If ya'll will recall, my column for Razorcake #38 was reprinted in the Utne, where I was mistakenly called a prodigal punk. As a companion piece to my story, I was interviewed for the UtneCast, where I sound like the premiere expert on all things China, loud and fast. Like woah!
Daniel says that I sound like a foreign correspondent on the front lines. Front lines of what? you ask. Front lines of hanging out with the Chinese! Cause they's dangerous.
The audio is pretty intense because Leif and I spoke about my experience for almost an hour and he had to condense it into a 10-minute segment. He cut and spliced and sped me up. I assure you that I was not tweaking out during the interview. Maybe.
Enjoy!

(There are still a couple more videos of my former students that I have yet to post. Keep your eyes peeled for them if you're a fan of these Chinese teenagers!)

QQ is China's most popular instant messaging program. On every occasion where I've met and spoken with Chinese students, they would inevitable ask me if I had QQ and then be completely disappointed when I confessed that Americans don't use it.

QQ is also the name of one of my most interesting students, Qu Qian. She was a student of #17, a science-track class with about fifteen girls in a class of seventy students. She was amazingly outgoing and gregarious, even when other students told her that she shouldn't behave that way because she was a girl. During my last week in Huarong, I took QQ out to lunch and I asked her all the questions that we were warned not to discuss with students. And she unabashedly answered them all. (Our talk will be another posting.)

This is the latest e-mail I've received from her:
Teacher Amy,
How is your everything going? I am QQ,Yesterday is our National Day,we have 2 days off,today I will go to school to have evening classes,so I have a little to write to you.
I have called one of our new foreigh teachers.She is from Goyanna,which is a small country in the South America.I will try to spare my time to talk with her to practise my spoken english.It is 7 months before our college entrance examination,so I have to spare no efforts to study to achieve my goals.We have so many wor-k to do everyday.What are you engaged in now?If you ar-e busy now,you needn't write me back soon,because maybe I will not surf the Internet for a long time.Best wishes for you!
Yours,
QQ

From the vault. Enjoy!
(My students tell me about how they're unique.)

Why I'm Unique
Because i washed my parents' feet when I was 6 years old.
I like taking a bath.
I was attacked by a white cow.
Eliza

I played with a stone so that one of my teeth broken by it when I was 8 years old.
I like playing computer games through my sight is very bad.
The biggest features of me are "Fat" and "Open-minded."
Hail

I hate Chinese education! It only teach you to have exam.

One day I got, I found the door open, I realized that there was a thief in my home. I quickly ran away and called the police.
He Zhong Yu

I like cooking. So I often cook at home. Once, I regard sugar as salt, put in the hot food so that it have hot and sweet. Sometimes my parents often laugh at me.
Cai Zhi

I wear a glasses everytime, and I never take them off until I go to bed.
Xue Jing

As I was born, I can play ping pong.
Peng Shuang Qing

I was knocked by a motorbike when I was 8 years old.
I like cartoon, novels about basketball, Internet, TV set and many other things. But I like friends best.
I lost myself when I was 5 years old and I was brought back by a stranger and my parents gave him a box of cigarette. I was lucky.
Li Zhenggong

I made a grave for a dead duck.
I like the songs of F.S.R.
I cried for a spider.
Xiang Ting

Today was the day before I board a plane to leave China and I spent much of the afternoon digging through thousands of DVDs trying to find a couple films for one of my younger brothers.
It was the early evening, and the sun was just beginning to set as I waited at a bus stop. An old man, with sagging, wrinkled bronze skin and wobbly knees walked past all of the bus riders with a tin cup in his outstretched hand. He lived through the Cultural Revolution. Now he begs for money. There are so many more like him.
I stuck a five yuan bill into his cup. The DVDs I bought cost 6 yuan each.
When I boarded bus 186, I sat across from another old man. He, too, is a survivor.
My eyes began to tear up.
I remembered all of the elderly beggars that I have denied. How their presence became so commonplace. How I was annoyed with them. How I forgot who they were.
But then I remembered.
Did I do enough this year? I thought. I struggled to shut my eyelids, to force the tears back where they came from. I'm going back to where I came from, before I came from here.

Apologies for the lack of updates, but the proxy that I had been using to post on my blog wasn't working for the past week. Yup, my blog has been blocked for the better part of this year and I've only been able to post via a proxy. I'm committed to the cause of talking Engrish smack like that.
In a couple days, I'll be boarding two planes and traveling for a day to get back to Los Angeles and I'm anxious as all get out.
I've been sleeping on a couch for the past month in Changsha. When I get to LA, to my folks' house, I'll be living on their couch for another two weeks. Then it's into Gus and Marah's home in PDX, where I'll be crashing on their couch for an indeterminable amount of time as they fix up the spare bedroom.
Basically, I've been/will be homeless in two countries.
Oh, the life of a volunteer.

There is hope after all.
China is part of the other WTO: World Toilet Organization.
Initially, I thought it was a faux organization and a social commentary on the uncouthness of trough-like squatty potties. But as it turns out, there really is a Singaporean dude who's life mission is to help developing nations do their business with some dignity.
The logo for the WTO is a marvel, a blue heart-shaped toilet seat. It is a reminder that while many of us may take our western toilets for granted, that there are still plenty of underprivileged people in the world who need some W.C. lovin'.

My first step towards not being a gigantic bum when I return to America: I got me a telecommuting internship.
Sounds fancy, don't it?
It's a tiny side-job to keep me from withering away due to lack of nutrition from lack of fundage for groceries. It pays less than my volunteer stipend.
I'm taking baby steps.

Here's the grand announcement on consumerist.com:
Meet Amy, Flickr Intern!

It's got a pic of me and an old gun. And a red truck. And a couple open cans of Bud.
I'm comin' home, friends.

Apologies for the lack of updates, but I'm running on fumes. I'm traveled out and burnt out and anxious about returning home to unemployment and uncertainty. I'm plagued with restlessness and super sweats from the Hunan heat. I can't wait to go home and I'm scared shitless of it. I'm just a big ball of exposed nerve endings.
Just another week and half.
Thank goodness I have something to look forward to. A few days before my departure, SUBS, an awesome Beijing noise band, will be playing in Wuhan. Thank goodness for rock 'n' roll.

Diana's mother stopped me as I was returning home after class. She spoke no English and I can barely make out the Huarong dialect. Thankfully, I was with one of my students who helped translate that Diana's mom wanted me to tutor her daughter. I agreed.
Diana was a Junior Three student, two grades below the students that I was teaching. Junior Three students at Huarong Yizhong don't have a foreign teacher, and Diana was jonezin' for some English.
Her mother tagged along the first couple time Diana showed up at my apartment to practice her oral English. I felt like I was babysitting two kids, chatting with Diana and watching her mom out of the corner of my eyes to see what she was snooping at. Her mom meandered from room to room, inspecting my living quarters while I tried to show Diana how to correctly pronounce her L's and N's.
Diana was asking me about life in America when her mom began flipping through my back issues of The New Yorker, when she landed on a teeth whitening ad. She ran her finger over the model's gleaming smile and asked Diana to translate a question. Diana ignored her, but I understood enough to hear that she wanted to know why Americans had such white teeth. She rubbed the glossy magazine paper, hypnotized by the pearly whites.
Diana continued to ignore her mother's questions and I just flashed my smile.

A couple weeks ago, I was treated to a foot massage by a former field director, Josh. In the course of the massage, the woman rushed her hand up my thigh and her fingers brushed against my nether regions. I couldn't help but mention it.
"I think she touched my taint," I said. And this, of course, prompted Daniel to argue with me about the proper name of the taint. He prefers to call it a chode or ABC, ass-ball-connector. I argue that a chode is a fat wiener.
We are stupid fifth graders.
I realized that while we were debating the correct term for the taint in English, but what I really wanted to know was what it's called in Chinese. Luckily, one of our Chinese friends in the group knew.
Hui ying (1st tone, 4th tone for those of you who are studying.) Literally translated, it means in between shadow.
I felt like my stock in the Chinese language had just doubled just from learning that word.

* * * * *
Daniel, Kate and I visited the world's largest sitting stone Buddha today. It was hot and muggy, and I was drenched in sweat as we climbed up and down steep stairs to get a good view of the Buddha's big toe, which was the size of large truck.
By the time we got back to our room, we were both delirious from heat and in a general ridiculous mood.
Daniel dared me to punch his taint. I told him that I wouldn't do it because it would hurt him. Fifteen minutes later, we were seated across from each other on our beds. He was tucking in his money belt, which held our passports. We were fully clothed and under the spell of complete idiocy.
"You can't even do it," he mocked me. "You don't have the balls to punch my taint."
I stuck my pointer finger out, aimed squarely at his ass ball connector.
He squirmed and closed his legs.
"See?! You're the one who can't handle it!"
"I can't do it unless I get to punch your taint too."
"No way! You're gonna hurt me."
This is absurd. I know. We're discussing the act of punching taints.
He assured me that he wouldn't actually punch it and stuck his finger out at the crotch of my jeans.
Poke.
We bowled over laughing.
Daniel flipped onto his back, his legs were held in the air.
"Go, go!" He was frantic.
My right index finger felt the fabric of his pants.
Poke
We laughed harder.
Now we're hui ying xiong di, Taint Brothers. Like blood brothers, but not.

I didn't pack face moisturizer and my cheeks are angry at me.
The first day of the horse trek was gorgeous, but the bright yellow sun left pink rims around my eyes and at the top of my cheeks.
I shouldn't have been so stingy with room in my pack. Pack moisturizer, kids. You never know when the rays from a flawless Tibetan sky will leave your face with a soft dryness and hot blush.
Sichuan has me for another six days and I'm contemplating whether I should visit Wuhan for a few days before returning to Changsha. I'm burned out on traveling. I have sat in enough bumpy, icky, soot-ridden buses to last me a lifetime. I have inhaled enough types of stenches to fill up the world's largest W.C. I hate that I can't do this with some of my best friends (G+M, CMW).

My cheeks are sunburned and I'm burnt out.

* * * * *

Thus far, it's been this:
Chengdu for panda fun -> headed west to Kanding -> Tagong for horse trekking and camping with Tibetan nomads -> back east to Kanding -> now in Leshan to see the largest stone Buddha statue in the world.

I had two slices of street vendor watermelon tonight, and managed to only get yelled at by one of the vendors because she didn't want to make change for my 10-kuai bill.
"You know what I wouldn't want to be in China?" Daniel asked.
I shot him a look.
"Amy Lam."

I'm presently bumming around Tibet and haven't much time for a proper entry. So here's a short note.
- The pandas were awesome. But we're still reeling from the fact that they might be related to raccoons.
- Tibet is incredible and it makes me wish Gus and Marah were here with me eating all sorts of yak foods like yak butter, yak butter tea, yak yogurt, yak meat, yak hair sitting on top of foods. I had an emo moment where I teared up when we rode through a valley and over a small hill and were treated to a spectacular view of lush greens and clear blue skies.
- My ass and back are sore from our overnight horse trek. We stayed with a nomad family, in their yak hair tent and helped them herd their stock of yaks. My hair, skin and eyeballs smell like yak.
- I've been eating lots of Pepto too.

Daniel and I arrived in Chengdu yesterday afternoon, and ever since we stepped into Sichuan I have been plagued with exhaustion.
It'd mid-day and all we've managed to do was to visit the historically preserved area of Wenshu Monastery. We walked around restlessly, and all I wanted was a nap. The highlight of that visit was eating fresh-made vegetarian Sichuan noodle dish. Yumtastic.
Last night, I got a hair cut and we went to a show at the famed Little Bar where we saw a very popular (not to me) Chinese band Second Hand Rose. Then I got a mosquito bite on my mosquito bite. Which is to say, that a freakin' wen zi bit my right boob. Hurrah.
We're gonna get off our lazy bums and head out early tomorrow to check out them pandas then we're off to western Sichuan, or Ganzi Kham Tibetan Autonomous Prefecture. Yippee!
But right now, all's I want is some caffeine.

Gimme some time, and I'll miss this.


A month ago, Class #15's projector wasn't working and I was unable to entertain them with a lesson on cheesy American songs. I gave class the choice of "going outside" or staying in and studying. Of the 70 students, half of them decided to stick around and study while I played music the likes of Bryan Adams' "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" (I was trying to subliminally tell them that I'm a martyr for their English cause.)
This is Class #15 from this story: amyadoyzie.livejournal.com/2007/01/11/


Twice daily, Chinese students at my school do these eye exercises to give their eyeballs a rest. The recording that plays in the background is counting off, like an aerobics instructor, and she speaks the best Mandarin in all of Huarong.

My sister told me an interesting story: father asked the son, "Which is closer? New York City or the moon?" The son answered: "The moon." Father asked: "Why?" The son said: "Because I can see the moon, but I can't see the New York City."

My eyeballs could move very fast.
I can play the mouth organ.
I have colourful skin
I like punk rock.
I feel like staying at a quiet place (like the field behind the gym) without other people.
Sophie Spencer

I'm fat. I'm a happy girl. I like eating.
Jiang Sihong.

I like play CS because I can shoot somebody's head.
Li Huaizhi

When I was in grade 3 in primary school. One day, my deskmate showed me his blue tongue. I was very strange. Because our tongues are red. Why his tongue is blue?
I asked him why, so he tell me that he eat the ink of of the ballpen, he told it was very delicious.
So I followed what he did. I ate the ink of my ballpen. But the ink was so hard to eat. He played a joke on me. I feel very uncomfortable, my tongue and lip are turned blue.
From then on, I was fed up with the ballpen.
Cherie

There's a scar on my head. That makes me called Harry Potter's sister.
I want to go to the West of China after I grow up. While other's think it is a poor area.
Star

I like eating orange. One day, I ate 35 oranges at last, my teeth feel bad.

My English name is Lily. Chinese name is Dai Mongli. I'm a special girl. I don't like make friends to girl. I hate the world. In order to let parents smile, I study hard. I don't have dream, but I think I'm the only one in the world. I like classical music and very sad music, but only listen. I never sing song at classroom.

I like laughing loudly.
I hate taking an umbrella.
Although everyone around me think my singing is so poor, but insist on singing to make them a little bitter.
Many people call me QQ.
Qu Qian

I am the only one who loves Jay-Z's music in this school.
Wenkiki

I like eating and playing.
I like reading.
When I was 11. A teacher hit me. I crying.
Yang Fenglian

I'm very sorry about that. I just don't know what have happened to me is unique. I'm a very very ordinary girl. Everything I have is very ordinary. I m thinking of it all the time. I'm just look very silent, but in fact I'm not silent at all.
Yan Jian

My glasses's degree is very high.
I very like listen and sing national songs, specially songzuying's songs.
Mao Ming

Many people call me orange juice.
I like talking with girls very much, but I'm afraid of them also.
I like to help beautiful girls with their study.
Hong Pengji

I remember three years ago, In summer's evening, I walked with a beautiful girl o a quiet road. I still feel she is my princes. We hand in hand. I told her that I love her, but she said nothing. I know she was give me a chance. I can't forget that evening I still feel happy.
Paul

If handsome is a crime. I must be put into a prison forever.
I know my handsome is a mistake. I know I'm always wrong for my surface.
I believe that love a girl isn't a mistake.
Yang Fang

Here are a couple notes that have appeared in my Inbox recently:

from: mjy1112123
to: AMY <english.teacher.amy@gmail.com>
date: Jun 23, 2007 7:33 PM
subject: i miss you

dear amy,
it is one week after you left us ~
```
for a long time i donot konw what to write
the day you left, me and sheng jingjing and some of our friend prepared to go and say
goodbey `
but ,i ,we afried of the sad air
so ```
pardon us for our bad `
you are our best teacher
we will remeber you forever ``
now throw oue felling away `
talk about something happily
now you have got cured from your homesick
seed me of your smile photos and talk about your happy life there `
is that ok?
now we are preparing for our finnal exam
and i want you tell me something about
studing in US
haha ``
if i were to study in your town
will come and receive me ?~
i want to study aboard just by myself
now let ,s say goodbey
lokking for your mail
yours Dark Meng



from: zhangjing3633
to: 女外教 <english.teacher.amy@gmail.com>
date: Jun 24, 2007 3:29 PM
subject: Dear teacher

My dear teacher,
How time flies.It has been one year since you teach us.
I am a student from 0515. Now I realise that I am very missing you.Not only because you are Chinese,but also the insterestig classes you teached. what'more,as the saying goes :The blood is thicker than water. I also have a dream that I could learn more things about English.Let's keep in touch each other. May you everything going well.

Tags: operation engrish prease

I am a high school student of the 21st century. I was born in a great age and a great country. Yesterday, I thought about my dream. I want to be a scientist. The greatest scientist in the world, win all the great price. I can find out a speed is faster than light.
But now it can't be true, so I have to study hard.
Arnold

I have a strange hairstyle.
I like to make friends with all beautiful girl.
Once, I loved a girl, and she is my girlfriend. She is very very very beautiful and kind. But last we separated, I write a poem to her.
New Love, New Life
HEART! My heart! What means this feeling?
What oppresseth these so sore?
What strange life is o'er me stealing!
I acknowledge thee no more
Fled is all that gave thee gladness
Fled they peace. Thine industry--
Ah, why suffer it to be.
Pan Chang Chun

I'm an ordinary person and I have nothing especially. I'm really sorry.
I like rock music.
I'm good at computer.

Unique things about me- a student- Yan Ting. I made two good friends, so I'm happy. I a learning to more communicate with others.
I like playing ping-pong.
I with my two good friends buy a kind of same coat, what's more. We wear the coat together. The feeling is so cool.

I was born in Oct. 1 1989 and my country was founded in Oct 1 1949. So I am 50 years younger than my country.
My favorite sport is Chinese Kungfu. Oh, yeah yeah...

I once had six or eight eyes. That is I once worn three glasses.
I once fell in tank. But quickly I got out of it.
Liu Meng

I will feel good if others smile.
I like popular music.
I always hurt by my sister.
I don't have a happy childhood. (No sun)
Wu Jing

I have a happy family. We loved in a small house but we always felt satisfaction. I think it is unique and I'll mind it deeply to my memory.

I think, my spirit can dance at the deep night. The light come from desk lamp, then my happy and sorrow flu from the pen to my paper. Just like the water, time is submerge my fingers. And I can here the song sing by the fall. Just like the wild goose crying, the water became a story about he coming winter.
I love words. And they ofter flying in my chest, like a golden bird, a cool rain, or the star high in the air.
So when you -my dear teacher- look at this thing, you may remember me, you Chinese student.
Chen Hua

During orientation last August, we wrote letters to ourselves to read at the end of service:

Aug 24, 2006
Dear your bad-assical self,
Seriously, what the fuck were you thinking? Coming to Chinars under the pretense of teaching English?
Here are things I hope you can avoid over the next ten months, in no particular order:
- Don't punch your liaison in the face. I know Johnson's a big mofo creep but it's a good idea to not cause bodily harm to any Chinese. [In fact, I didn't punch anyone out and my liaison turned out to be a first-year teacher named Cesil Wu, who was a super duper nice guy.]
- Don't get the rumblies and pukies more than once a month. (This is wishful thinking.) [Success! I was able to have the poops without the painful rumblies. My innards are hella resistant now.]
- Don't hate your students. They're trying real hard and sometimes they may piss you off, but I trust that a thousand little Chinesey heads will find a soft spot in your heart. [True.]
- Don't leave China without exploring Chinars. Exploring Huarong. Exploring those crazy Chineseys. [Done and doing.]
- Don't forget why you came here in the first place. To teach and get your putonghua on. [My Mando has gotten the bu cuo so I'm satisfied.]
This is how my brain feels at this moment:
(Drawing of a blank chalkboard)
Blank chalkboardy. Stuff goes on and gets erased.
Be stoked!
Lin Zheng Li [My Chinese name.]

More about my unique kids.

I have ever fell in love with a music teacher. So far, I can't forget her.
I hate everything but my family and our country.
Fly in the sky in the dream.
Peng Jing

One day, I was looking for a book in a bookstore. Suddenly, a book fell down from the shelf. I wanted to pick it up, but I felt something in my right pocket. When I turned to the right, I found a stranger stood beside me. I understood that he is a thief.

I'm very active.
I'd like to do something that common people dare not to do.
I'd like to be successful on politics.
I love Amy.

I'm Li Tao. When you see the name, you must think me a boy. But I'm not. I'm a girl. I like music, but I'm not good at singing. I can singing few songs. Sometimes I like keep silent.

My name is Zhang Jing.
I like the war between mainland and Taiwan.
I wait that day.

I'm the thinnest girl in my class.
Liu Huan Huan

I believe in myself!
I like crazy music, basketball.
I love you very much.
I'm honest, cool.
I like beautiful girl very much.
Wang Zheng

I am very ugly. When I was singing, classmates often run away. I don't know why. I think I sing very well.
Shen Peng

I learned to swim when I was 10 years old. Nobody was in the river except me. I was very excited. I had been in the river for a long time. I was tired. I was sinking when a person pass. He saved me. Oh, how dangerous!
Yu Sheng Qian

I hope that you can become my girlfriend.
Mo Wen Qing.

About 8 years ago, I was a very bad child. I had a gun. One day I walk along a street with my gun. I saw a woman, then I shot she in her eyes. How terrible it is.

I'm a blackman.
The most black in our school!
Yao Zhang Zhang

I go to the No. 1 Middle School in Huarong. The foreign teacher makes us know more about the English and foreign countries. I think this is unique.
He Chang